Monday, January 12, 2009

A Stopping Point

Today was a tumultuous day. For starters, I needed to get downtown in time to mail my film off to the JUMP film festival in Juneau. Entries are due tomorrow, so I figured that I could overnight mail it today if I got to Fedex in the morning. I spent the wee hours Friday and Saturday nights editing so it would be ready for submission. I am still figuring out which open source programs are good and which ones are buggy. The first video editor that I was using (Kino) would crash on me literally every time I used it. So I switched to KDenlive which seems to be marginally more stable. It was so frustrating to lose my work time and time again on Saturday night. I finally learned to save my work after every change I made to the project, but it was still annoying to have to restart the program every 10 minutes.

Thanks to edits from Jessica and a few friends, I finally got it into decent shape and it was ready to send this morning. I got to FedexKinko's (when did that happen? last time I used them in college, they were two separate companies...) in plenty of time to print off the submission form and mail it off. But then I re-read the submission guidelines and figured out I needed to send it in a different format. So I bought another CD and began to burn another copy. Waiting for that, I decided to multi-task and check my email. Wrong. My computer froze up and I had to spend precious time re-booting and getting things back in order. So when I finally got ready to mail it off, my class was about to start. Then the Fedex people told me it would cost $36 and they couldn't even guarantee overnight to Alaska (even though there are daily flights between Seattle and Juneau...). Outraged, I ran over USPS and sent it Expressmail for a cool 16 clams. All this to say I had to run to class and I was still ten minutes late. I hate being late. Punctuality is a value I hold dear.

I apologized to the teacher and tried to catch my breath. Again the class presented a terrifically engaging subject matter. Before long I was caught up in the discussion and remembered that I wanted to ask my classmates how they felt about my blog. It seemed to be very appropo to the subject matter, which dealt with how to think about research through all of the possible paradigms. Central to new theories of research is how research subjects can participate in knowledge creation. I should have thought how to approach this better, but at the time it seemed the right thing to do. So right during the discussion, I broached the subject of my blog and asked the professor and classmates how they felt about me writing about the class.

Boom. I had just dropped a bomb. We spent the next half hour discussing the topic, as I felt more and more remorseful. Looking back, I should have brought the subject to my professor before class and ask how to handle the topic. It would have given the teacher an opportunity to direct me in the best way to broach the subject. Instead, I took up valuable class time with this topic and created a spirited debate.

So I need to re-think this blog. I need to figure out how I can write about my experience while respecting the privacy of others and honoring the precious space of the classroom.

When I first conceived of the blog, it was to help me reflect on this fellowship experience and help others connect with what I am doing here and possibly learn through my experience. I had envisioned recording my interior monologue during this fellowship to help me make sense of what I am encountering here. But as I blog more, I find myself wanting to write about my interactions with others. Clearly, I am not alone in this endeavor. But what are the ethics of writing about others in this public space? Before mentioning someone in my blog, I need to get their consent. But what about the other issues? Can I write about the ideas that I discuss with others without infringing on their intellectual property rights? By keeping a blog and letting others know about it, how does that change their interactions with me? Will they have their guard up more? Will they feel as free to be forthright with me?

It also makes me reflect on my role here in an academic setting. I have a hard time being quiet, as many people know. So I have enjoyed geting involved in the classroom discussion and responding to the teacher's questions. But today, it was like I rolled a hand grenade into the class. So I am rethinking how I need to approach this experience. Here I am, inserting myself into a small cohort of PhD students. They are building a shared experience and an intimate intellectual discovery. And there I go disrupting everything and pulling their inquiry off-course.

So then I thought I should be quieter, and try to attend class and not ask any questions. I vowed to be more of a wallflower for the next class. But that didn't last long. Before I knew it, there I was again asking questions of the professor.

So I'm still wondering how to approach my classes. How can I get the most out of this experience and not negatively affect the experience of others? I will need to think some more about this.

So I'll end this entry still a bit flummoxed. On the positive side, I did figure out the school pool today, which was remarkably empty over the noon hour (followed up with some excellent falafel from a street vendor). It's comforting to start to get my exercise regimen in order. I think it's been one of the stresses of the move to lose my routine. I'm gradually figuring out when I'll have time to run and swim, and that feels good. I even found a trail that traverses some nearby parks on Saturday (complete with a few resident coyotes, it seems).

Celia is eager to see the coyotes. Maybe we will look for them tomorrow before I go back to campus.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

So this is what you meant by wreaking havoc in academia! Interesting.

I think you should share with your professors and your classmates (when the moment is right, of course) your concerns about how you fit in. But in general, both in academic settings and real life settings, people who contribute meaningfully generally add value, so I don't think you should hold back (could you? :)). I'm not sure I ever sat in a meeting with you or had a conversation with you where you didn't bring something meaningful - where you didn't add value. So I wouldn't worry about it too much.

And one more thought - this is your experience too. You should get as much out of it as you can.

You are missed here. We talked of you fondly at yesterday's Juneau Community team meeting, and Karine reminded everyone of the blog and said she was really enjoying it. As am I. Lori