Rejection

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. day and the end of a long weekend. I'm looking forward to going back to class tomorrow and getting back in the swing of my studies. We had a wonderful weekend, though, blessed by the visit of one of my old college friends and her family. And on Saturday, I got to cook for a dinner party, one of my favorite things to do. We had our weekend guests, plus some other friends in town from Seattle, and one of my other college friends who lives here in Portland. Eight adults and eight children. It was a lot less chaotic than I thought it would be, but maybe my view was warped since my head was mostly in the stew pot. I made beef in barolo, one of my favorite dishes.

sign of a full house

Unfortunately, I am ending the weekend grappling with personal rejection. It seems that I will no longer be enrolled in the qualitative research class any more, at the request of the professor. So tomorrow, I have to figure out how to drop this class and retain my full-time status, even though the add class deadline has passed.

It's been a hard experience to be asked to leave a class, particularly one that I was enjoying so much. It was really exciting to me to learn about all of the different qualitative research methods and to think about the different paradigms that inform them. I was enjoying all of the readings for the class and I found the class discussions incredibly stimulating. Probably the hardest thing of all though is to feel personally rejected by a teacher.

All my life, teachers have been important mentors to me. Starting with Mrs. Willa in the third grade, I've had a special bond with many of my teachers through the years. It seems like at every stage of my childhood, there was a teacher that provided an important source of support to me. In many ways, I think I also learned to ingratiate myself with the teacher, aiming to be the "teacher's pet." To be rejected by a teacher is something I'm completely unfamiliar with. And frankly, I'm really not sure how to deal with it.

What's also difficult is trying to understand why I'm being asked to leave. After speaking with the professor, I am just not able to add it all up. The reasons given just don't seem to compute. I'd really like to understand the situation better, so I can hopefully avoid the same mistake in the future. So I've contacted the professor again, trying to get more of an explanation.

I've also been doing a lot of kicking myself. Why couldn't I have taken more time to learn the environment, assess the situation before shooting off my mouth? Why did I get so involved in the classroom discussion, when maybe I should have taken a back seat to the regular PhD candidates? Through the years, I seem to have developed a classroom style where I ask a lot of questions and don't hesitate to interject myself in the conversation. Most teachers seem to like a lot of interaction from the students. But in this case, I seem to have misread the situation and talked too much too soon.

It's funny to look back and remember that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up with the other students. But I didn't really expect that I wouldn't fit in. I've always thought of myself as someone that fits into an academic world. Maybe my 15 years in Alaska has warped my sense of reality, or changed my style into one ill-suited for academia. The term "passing" keeps coming to mind. Maybe I need to learn better how to "pass" as an academic for these next six months. But then that seems disingenuous. If I can't be myself in this environment, then I am losing the opportunity to have others learn from my experience as well. Isn't there something that I bring with my real-world experience that would be beneficial to my fellow students?

Like other rejections in my life, I'm sure I'll get over this one. But it's not really much fun. I just hope I can learn something from the experience. Maybe the days to come will give me greater insight on why this happened. Maybe as the months go by, the words of the professor will ring more and more true. And I'm sure, like all other doors that shut, this one too will open another. Now I will have more time to devote to other pursuits. I remain committed to getting the most out of my time here, to learning as much as I can over the next six months or so.

On a more positive note, it looks like we will be moving out of our current living situation at the end of the month. We found a nice little house in the Hawthorne area that scored a 95 on the walkability scale. We'll be a few blocks from a Powell's Books, Ben&Jerry's, a Fred Meyer, and lots of coffee shops. And it's only two to three miles from campus. We'll be relocating at the end of the month.

Tomorrow is also a huge day for our country. I will be thrilled to watch the inauguration of our 44th President in the morning. As I watch his speech tomorrow, my thoughts will drift north to my compatriots in Juneau. We've been through a lot together to get to this moment. How sweet it will be.